Please excuse my tardiness on updating on baby Kreed. To say things have been crazy and overwhelming is an understatement. As I write to you I am here in the NICU and just got done feeding Kreed. Sunday was a hard day for our family. We went home empty handed without our baby boy from the hospital. You never think that you are not going to take your baby home with you when they discharge you. It was difficult for all of us. They boys were asking for their, "baby brother" and Christian barely has got to see him since he is the one always taking care of the boys while I feed and care for Kreed. It was hard to leave without him and I just felt so guilty. He did look really cute in his snugly blanket and green hat though.
Ok, let me start from the beginning....
Kreed was born healthy and strong (I will write his birth story later.) We did not have to wait to here his huge first cry to know that those lungs were working. He turned a pink color right away and his agar scores were 100% great. He even latched on pretty good and got a good first feed. Christian and I were both so happy on how well he was doing for being 4 weeks early. They did all the routines things that a newborn gets done including taking his blood. When we just were about to head to postpartum the nurse came back and told us that his white blood cell count was extremely low which was scary. They usually like to see around 20 and he was at a 7! They also said his breathing has become rapid which is normal for preterm baby but it was still a worry. They also told us his glucose levels were borderline and that they wanted to admit him to the NICU. I think Christian and I just looked at each other and tried to hold back the tears. This is the last thing that we wanted for our baby especially after what we have already gone through and we thought he was healthy.
They told us that these things were happening because he has some sort of infection. They said even 40 weekers can get an infections but they were more worried because he was preterm. They could not tell us what kind of infection or what caused it. They said it could of happened a couple days ago due to pProm, during labor, or since I was positive for GBS that I passed it to him even though I was given antibiotics. During my labor I did have a spike in my temp and his heart rater went extremely high and my midwife said this could have been a sign on infection but that it could have been caused by me laboring in the water as well. He never showed signs of infection while I carried him with pProm or I would of had him long ago. The NICU specialist said it could be anything. Newborns do not know how to fight infection and the blood brain barrier is not fully developed yet so they could have something very slight but it can be passed to all the rest of their body very quickly causing harm. Needless to say we were speechless on what to say or do but we knew that the best thing was for him to be in NICU even though this is not what we planned. Christian and I said our "goodbyes" to our sweet baby Kreed as he was wheeled off down to the NICU.
The next morning when we went to see him was a hard day. We saw him hooked up to all his IV's, wires, patches, ect. It is so awful to see your baby like that. You just want to switch places with them. They explained to us that Kreed was doing pretty well and that he was stable. His glucose levels went up and his breathing got better over night. This was a relief. They told us they would know more on his white blood cell count the next day and if he went back up then he could only have to do small antibiotics for 3 days. This was exciting news. They also told us that the blood cultured did not show anything and this was because I had to have antibiotics during labor. So basically we knew he has some sort of infection and that his body was doing the right thing to try and fight it off but we just did not know what.
Kreed seemed like he was really healthy and doing well. Eating like a champ, breathing like a champ, and pooping and peeing like champ. Kreed's feedings started out with little syringes and sucking on me. It seemed weird to me that his feedings were getting worse and worse since his first one was so good. They told me this was normal and that to just work with his and he would get better. I had no problem with that since I worked with Treyson for 3 months to be a good breast feeder. We figured out that Kreed has to use a nipple shield to feed because his mouth is so small. He also gets really sleepy while feeding which all preterm baby are more sleepy, but for the most part he does really well. The lactation consultant said for a 36 weeker I should be proud of the way he is eating and how much milk I am producing for him. I have produced 60 oz so far and that is enough for twins! It a little crazy and the docs and nurses are in awe. I am even producing more then I did with Porter, it's just kind of like WOW! I literally smell like breast milk..LOL! Since he is preterm he does not take that much milk right now so after I feed him I have to pump the rest of my milk to empty myself. He does it quite a bit for his size and he is gaining weight really well. The nurses say he is a "pig" for being as tiny as he is...that's my boy! You all know me too, I am the "breast milk" farm...LOL! I have always been an over producer which I am grateful for but I just have to be careful because my fast let down and large milk supply can cause him reflux. We are taking it slow and day by day but each day he gets stronger and better at it. He does not care for the bottle which is fine by me. So yes all I am really doing all day is feeding, burping, and pumping. This is my life as of now:) I love nursing him and when he wraps his little hand around my finger. Sometimes too he will just stare at me the whole time and it just those are the precious things that make it all worth it!
Anyways, on the next day which was also a crazy whirlwind of emotions... I was told after feeding him that his white blood cell count has not gotten any better. They also exclaimed that his blood work showed that it was indeed a bacterial infection. This was good because viral are harder to treat. They said that he would need a spinal tap done to see if the bacteria had spread to his spine or brain. Then they also told me that he would be here for 7 days to treat him for the bacteria infection and at the most 10 days. This is the news I did not want to hear. I then knew we would not be bringing our baby home with us and that there was still a long road ahead. I kind of freaked out a little. He seemed like he was doing so well and did not act sick at all. I hurried and got on the phone to Christian and tried to tell him what was going on. He could not really understand me since I was crying. When I finally calmed down I told him and he hurried and got a babysitter and came up to the hospital. Christian wanted to get all the stats from the doctor of course to be really informed of what was going on with our son. Christian also gave Kreed a beautiful blessing with help from a friend (Brandon Wilson, my Doula's hubby) before he would have this procedure done. We also rubbed his feet and head with frankincense oil, used magnets, and even Christian and Brandon adjusted him before he had to have his spinal tap. This is a huge procedure for a newborn let alone a preterm baby so we wanted to cover all of our boundaries. Again, its so hard to watch your own child go though something like this. They told us they treat it like a surgery with how sterile they and for that reason we could not go with. I knew I could not handle my baby screaming and crying so we just waited impatiently for the results to come back. When we heard the news that everything was clear we were once again relieved. They still had to be sent to the lab but most likely if everything was clear then they said we had nothing to worry about. We were happy to be don with this hectic emotional day for sure!
As of now our schedule is pretty overly crazy! I go up and feed Kreed every 3 hours or on demand when the NICU calls me. We have been getting people to help out with the boys since Christian is in school. Christian's Mom is not coming until the 30th so we are indeed grateful for the help that the ward has offered us. We seriously thought this nightmare of our was going to be over and now it seems like it has just begun again. Treyson and Porter and doing ok with all the change and rushing here and there. I know its been hard on them too and lets just say they need their Mommy too. All my attention has gone to Kreed and caring for his needs. It has just been so hard. I go on his feed runs and then at his evening feed I just stay the night at the NICU so I do not have to drive back and forth to the hospital in the middle of the night. At his later early morning feed I drive home to get a little sleep and then wake up with the boys. Exhaustion is defiantly setting in. I have cried a lot just out of pure tiredness. Sleep who needs it? Also when it comes to eating I have to remember to do it. Showering and makeup have become more of hobby then a must...LOL! Kreed sure is worth it though!
Christian has been really busy at school. He is trying to get his numbers to clear for the other clinic so this has been way stressful for him too. He already missed so much school when I was on bed rest so he really can not miss much more. He hardly ever gets to see Kreed since he is consumed with school. He sneaks up there to the hospital on his long breaks just to be with him. He such a great Father. He loves his boys that is for sure. He is always making sure Kreed is ok and that the nurses are doctors are keeping him up to date. Overall he said he has been impressed with the NICU and how they look out for the babies best interest not just protocol.
Yesterday Kreed was 3 days old. He sure is a cutie and melts our hearts. When I got to his late morning feeding the doctors had told me that he has become jaundice and this was due to his prematurity and because our blood types are different. It was not really bad but like I said for preterm babies everything is more serious. He has to be under the blue/white photo therapy light for a couple of days to get it under control. He seems to not mind it since its nice and warm. He also gets to wear these cute sunglasses while he stays in his little incubator. Its still hard to see him like this strapped to all these wires, iv's, ect. He just always seems like he is uncomfortable. I try and hold and comfort him as much as I can because I know he can feel every time they have poked, prodded, messed with him. I know it for his own good but it still break my heart.
The NICU specialist also gave us good news that his white blood cell count was improving so we will most likely be able to take him home on Thursday night. Babies can take a wrong turn everyday especially preterm babies so we just pray that he continues to progress well so we can have him home. They told me that all the stuff that has happened to Kreed that it could also happen in a full term baby but that they just take more caution with preterm babies. I honestly can say that I took for granted always having a full term baby. Some people have 36 weekers and do fine which is totally what we thought would be the case. Does this scare me to have more children? Not really because I know it could have happened to anyone and there are worse things that people have to go through with their children. I know that Kreed was meant to get here how he got here even with all the events that happened. These are the times I am grateful for modern technology and medicine to help save our baby. In emergency situations like this it is a need for sure.
In a nutshell, Kreed is doing extremely well with all he has gone through. The nurses all say he is sure is a fighter what a miracle he really is. They love him and are always commenting on how cut he is. They are always telling us what great parents we are in the sacrifices we have made for our son. Unfortunately the NICU does not see many parents like us. We know this is just a minor thing that we can get passed and we positive that he will grow and develop just like a normal baby. He is are little handsome, brave lucky charm that is for sure!
People are asking me, "how much more we can take." Some days I am not sure but I always try and stay positive and just count my blessings. Instead of saying "why me, why now, why this"...I am trying and asking the Lord what he wants me to learn from this. I may not know that answer until down the road or even in my lifetime. I just know this whole thing has already made me a stronger and better person. Seeing the way people have willingly served our family has left my soul completely humbled. Seeing my baby boy in the state he is has made me more appreciate the miracle of life and that God truly has a hand in it. Patience is a virtue and I am sure learning to be just that. I have been pondering my heart and just trying to be more like my Savior. He know us and knows what we are going through. We may not understand everything but we know he loves us, we feel it! Overcoming adversity in our lives can be a struggle but once we get through it we want to be better and stand a little taller. I love the Lords reassuring words, "Peace be unto thy soul, think affliction shall be but a small moment but if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high." Hardships and trials come in many forms but each of them allows us to become closer to our Savior and more Christ like if we can recognize the good that comes from the experience. Our Father in heaven can ease our burdens even when they seem like too much. It's all about giving it over to the Lord and trusting him. If we just hang on and use him as our anchor we can feel his love more and more. There is a purpose in it all and Christ has promised that the severity of it all will not be more then we can endure.
I have a friend that shared a poem with me that has to do many hospital visits with her son and has been going through such a hard time. I hope she does not mind me sharing too. As I read this poem I just cried like a little sap! It made me think of my little Kreed and how I feel about him. I did not know what would happen with Kreed with my water breaking so early. Anything could have happened so reading this poem really pulled on my heart strings...
I Still Would Have Chosen You
If before you were born, I could have gone to Heaven and saw all the beautiful souls, I still would have chosen you.
If God had told me, "this soul will one day need extra care and needs", I still would have chosen you...
If He had told me, "that one day this soul may make my heart bleed", I still would have chosen you...
If He had told me, "this soul would make me question the depth of my faith", I still would have chosen you...
If He had told me, "this soul would make tears flow from my eyes that would overflow a river", I still would have chosen you...
If He had told me, "our time spent together here on earth could be short", I still would have chosen you...
If He had told me, "this soul may one day make me witness overbearing suffering", I still would have chosen you...
If He had told me, "all that you know to be normal would drastically change", I still would have chosen you...
Of course, even though I would have chosen you, I know it was God who chose me for you...
We love you our SONshine! Can't wait to bring you home:)
